i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Pants are for mortals
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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