The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
