yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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