Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize