she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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