Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize