I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Someone came in the potted fern
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
