M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
