you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
