Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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