the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
