I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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