my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
