Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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