I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
