i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize