Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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