I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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