i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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