I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
