thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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