Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
