i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
