I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
