It was confusing and full of hummus
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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