I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
