she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
