can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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