Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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