Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
