Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize