Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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