Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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