I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
operation have a gay friend backfired
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
