He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
