if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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