This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
