There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
