I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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