Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
