you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
