Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
