i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
