New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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