Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
