Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
