I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i love accidental penises.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
