Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
