they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Holy sore nipples Batman
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
