he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
