Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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