Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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