he was CRYING into my vagina
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize