this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You took a bar mat shot.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I stole a fireplace last night.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize