I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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