im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
