I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
