so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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