i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize