If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
