Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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