I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
