I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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