the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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