Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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