I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
