Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
