Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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