I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I love you. Go after that dick
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
